not that you asked

but if someone were to ask

what I might call this chapter of my life

I would say

The Great Unravelling

its like this

let's say that I was handed this beautiful ball of yarn

the moment I was born

and you would think that a baby would unroll a ball of yarn or get it all tangled up

but not me

not this ball of yarn

for whatever reason I became so memorized by the colors

the texture

I simply stared at it

in awe

and awe is a wonderful thing to experience

it sat on my shelf

I grew and grew

and the ball of yarn remained

just a beautiful as ever

if a little faded in some places

and the ball of yarn remained

and I never questioned a thing

until I did

and maybe it was an accident how the ball of yarn got knocked off the shelf

and maybe I picked it up and started the unravelling myself

either way

here we are

here I am

with handfuls of yarn

unraveled in my lap

tears in my eyes

I couldn't accept the ball of yarn

as it was anymore

I had to know what was inside

how every twist and turn

wove together to create this ball of yarn

I had never known

nothing about the ball of yarn ever changed

it was me

something in me changed

and I needed to know.

and that is how I feel about my life right now.

Like I was handed all these things about myself and about life

and I didn't question them

I carried them and obeyed like the good little girl I tried

so desperately hard to be

but I can't keep carrying all these things around anymore

not without learning more

not without unravelling

and its a scary place to be

because there is no way to put the ball of yarn back the way it was

you can't un-know something once you know it

but I want to know it

and I want to weave the yarn into something beautiful

something I made myself

for myself

a sweater, perhaps.

AMV