and still, when she asks you if you are cool (well of course that is not actually what she asked, but it's what you heard) you felt small.
you were pushed back in time, your breath caught in your lungs.
you haven't felt this way in years and yet,
how easily you return to this place.
this place where you know the answer to the question.
(its impostor syndrome)
you know it is no. no, you are not cool.
but instead you say
"yes"
so even now, that is your instinct.
you are not cool.
and you must find a way to trick everyone into thinking that you are.
do you think she bought it?
you think of yourself as confident. you are so sure of who you are,
but all of a sudden you forget everything you stand for.
you bend to the will of these people who you barely know,
who barely know you.
and they will not care. and they will not think twice.
but this will follow you, the test where you failed to own who you are.
are you ashamed or something?
why does this insecure little person live inside you?
i thought she was gone.
i thought she grew up.
i thought she went to college
learned a few things.
like who she was.
was better than she used to be.
her friends started telling her that she was cool
she learned how to take a compliment.
she blushed and she believed them.
well, she thought she did.
you shake your head and wonder why you said what you said.
and maybe you will never know.
you tell yourself that you will do better next time.
be more honest. own your worth. be unapologetic, unashamed.
you tell yourself you will do these things.
will you?
i hope you do.
AMV